City to Backwoods

    It is hard to believe that someone can go from the city to farm country and marginally survive. Just look at the movie “Funny Farm” or “Money Pit” for prime examples. What the brochure neglects to mention – or was it in the small print – that even if you do not own a farm the acres you live on still need to be mowed! Have a well? You will and it will break from voles or moles eating the electrical wire, gunk built up from a bad water source, or (my favorite) fire ants. And speaking of fire ants, they will not leave! Try to kill them and all they do is salute you with their proud hand – that is if you did not try to use gas on them – and move 10ft. to the left for a new home. They can be as bad as cockroaches in that regard as they will both probably out most of us. Oh, and the “palmetto bug” is really just a VERY large cousin of the cockroach, which is to say they come into your home and never EVER leave. Why, you might ask? Well, they do not really live in the home until winter and hang out in the trees nearby during the warmer months to repopulate their kind as if there was any real need for them to think they might be dying off. I will help with the dying part any time; I mean I do like to help where I can.

    Getting back to mowing, because when you are actually doing the mowing it never seems to have an end, I would say buy as little land as you possibly think reasonable since you might not think about the art of mowing. Probably bringing that little push mower you used on the postage stamp that was considered a yard in the city. But you’ll have plenty of time to mow the “yard” since life in the country is slow moving… and so will be your internet! Did the brochure forget to mention Satellite will be your source of TV in most cases? How about the lightning-fast, ultra-quick DSL that is so ample in speed to the populous that you will wonder if starting the pot of coffee now would be enough or should you prep for a second batch. Boy, you will not miss life in the city.

    Why find a nice restaurant in town to celebrate… anything… when you might have a whole two sit down styles to pick from or the ever popular three fast-food eateries? Wondering where the problem is such a vast selection? Six months down the road ask the same question to yourself and see where it leads you. But do not let me mislead you as to the weary life of the country folk. There is plenty I might have left out… I might have to think on this one though.

    Ok, It’s the next day and I might have a few things to talk about. Fishing, hunting, mud bogging, ATVs, golf carts, gardening, pets, and internet and it is only fair to explain a bit more. The only way I can see doing this would be in the order I presented them.

Fishing. A lot of ways to do this. Most of it by boat. Sometimes on a pier or on the side of a river. Did this help? Thought not. By boat is by far the best simply because we are talking ocean fishing. I am not good with the names of all the kinds waiting to be caught, but as city folk you just need to go to the nearest aquarium to see what there is to be caught. you see it and they eat it. You can guess what country folk ask when they enter an aquarium… “Are those in season yet?”

    Now, a passed time for any country person, and a rite of passage, is hunting.  What is easier than holding a gun out the bathroom window to get dinner? By the way, I would suggest this for the sole reason of mosquitoes. It is too hard to explain the swarms that soar out of the shadows to consume you. The only time this is a bad idea is when your neighbor’s cow strolls passed. Yes, that is ion my backyard if you were wondering. I know hunting also covers a lot of territory for what it means, but who am I to elaborate? Oh, that’s right, I am the one writing. Ok, deer are the most hunted and in these parts the more cunning (unless you have a car to use against them). These folk also use hunting dogs to track down and flush them out of the thicket. I am sure Thanksgiving would not not be the same without deer on the table – oh, wait isn’t it turkey? Then why would it be open season for deer during this time? Go figure.

    Is there not a time to mud bog? A 4×4, raised up with lift kits and large tires for the single purpose of getting it stuck, and sometimes getting it back out. I  won’t go into too much detail on this since I am not very good at lying.

    ATV and golf carts fall in the same category, transport. Sometimes used to move objects from one place to another that does not consist of it being a person, unless… well you’ve seen Springer and Funniest Home Videos. They are a lot of fun to ride down dirt trails until one of the logger trucks tries to take your ride out.

    Gardening is what it is, fields of food to eat. lots of work and tending to if you want to share more than one ear of corn between 12 family members. Some do it for profit and other do it to live.

    Can you guess pets and internet almost fit into the same category here? You might in a minute to put it together. Pets are in a wide variety for house, yard, or field and stretch from cats and dogs to pigs and sheep (see where they start to fit in to both categories?). A lot of work is done training any animal and there are a lot of people here to help out if you don’t know what your doing. The internet is on the list here? And why? You realize if none of the above interest you in the least and your bride has little or no teeth to go with that beautiful lazy eye she shows off proudly, even though you bought the really big bug-eye style sunglasses, the internet becomes a whole lot better looking. Bahhh. I think the sheep are a calling you to bed now….

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Adam Santo is a SciFi/Fantasy writer who enjoys the quiet moments to sit idly writing stories. His debut novel, Temperature: Dead and Rising, took the world for a ride they would soon not forget. Santo began plotting the second novel, Temperature: Bitter Cold, before the ink dried on his first book. Santo continues to write nonstop because he knows there is always a story waiting to get out. When he is not writing, Santo enjoys quality time with his family and friends, spending the occasional weekend at a movie theater, and reclaiming his youth when his son challenges him to a video game. Santo currently resides in sunny Florida with his beautiful wife and equally beautiful children.

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One comment on “City to Backwoods
  1. Kirsten says:

    Yeah it was definitly one sided lol you dident give any good reasons to move to the country

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